Monday, June 18, 2007
Rational or Irrational?
I spent this past weekend on the internet mostly. I read people's blogs...some from beginning to end. It helps to see others who have been through this same thing and see that they have their children home. Since our referral is getting closer, I've been doing a lot of imagining...or daydreaming really. I want her home now so badly, but I also realized a fear that I have. It's actually not a new fear or concern, it's just that I think about it more now. I'm not really nervous about all the things that go along with having a baby, yes it may have been a while since I changed a diaper, but I'm sure I can change one today without flubbing up too badly and I realize I'm going to be grumpy/sleepy. What my fear is...is about a routine and the lack of time. I am a person who has a certain routine...not like OCD really, but I have a daily routine during the week that is comfortable to me and because of work, I need one to follow. I can adjust my routine, but I need a little time to adjust "to" the new routine. Well, these babies have daily routines too. My fear is that I won't be able to join the two routines smoothly. It's not like Mark and I go out all the time...we're more home bodies and we like our family time...so adjusting her to our schedule that way, is not an issue. It's the fact that she will be with us in China, on a crazy schedule, then when she comes home, she'll be on a really different schedule in the beginning (a big change will be the 12 hour time difference)...then when I have to go back to work, it will be once again, a whole new schedule. That's what scares me the most. When I go back to work when my FMLA is over, will I have the time with her that I need once my work day ends? Will I feel like I'm neglecting my child because I can't be there with her all day? I have to work...there's no way around that. I just worry I'll be a bad parent because of that. I try to think things out and I know of friends who deal with this and their kids seem well adjusted and okay. Maybe I'm just having typical, normal "baby-on-the-way" thoughts? I hope so.